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☼Strella ♥♫
13 June 2009 @ 12:57 am
So, I'm leaving for Mishawaka in 22 hours, and I think I'm a little nervous. A little scared of what can (and will, my mind insists) happen to the Beloved and to my family in seven whole days when I'm gone. But I'm aso extremely excited about the trip.

So I'll tell you everything when I get back ^^
☼Strella ♥♫
11 June 2009 @ 08:00 pm
This awesome stop-motion video was posted in angiechan070707's livejournal, and i loved it so much I thought I'd share.

Anyone else have awesome YouTube videos to share with me?
Current Location: Mom's//living room
Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: Death Note//ep:12 (in two days xD)
☼Strella ♥♫
11 June 2009 @ 06:48 pm
So, I leave for Mishawaka, Indiana, on Saturday night. It's my church's first evermission trip, and I'm really excited! I leave at ten at night on Saturday (the 13th) and return about 4 in the morning, no joke, on the 20th. We get to take a coach bus for the fourteen-hour drive, and while we work from Monday to Thursday, we spend all day Friday at Six Flags in Chicago! I'll make sure to bring you guys, Kai and Sayuri, something back, and Hally, I promise you a postcard if you email me your address! Or a souvenir if I can find something small enough to send. ^^"

Anyway, I'm supposed to start packing and doing laundry, et cetera, so I should really go. More random updates later, maybe, seeing as now our house ha a laptop and I don't have to worry about fighting Asher for the computer! :D


Oh, also, today's my six month mark :D
Current Location: Mom's//living room
Current Mood: happyhappy
☼Strella ♥♫
09 June 2009 @ 11:41 pm
It's okay
if the answers, they lay
a couple more steps away.
Try to wait.
The coldest of nights just a break of a beautiful day.

We're lost and we can't find our way.
No, we won't change who we are.
But still we are here to stay.
No, we won't change who we are!

You're going too far;
you're making your problems
bigger than they really are.
You will drown.
You will soon be forgotten,
and people, they always move on.
But it's okay,
because the answers, they lay a couple more steps away.
Try to wait.
The coldest of nights just a break of a beautiful day.

We're lost and we can't find our way.
No, we won't change who we are.
But still we are here to stay.
No, we won't change who we are!

We moved on, we are stronger than ever now!
We moved on!
We are stronger than ever now!

We're lost and we can't find our way.
No, we won't change who we are.
But still we are here to stay.
No, we won't change who we are!

We're lost and we can't find our way.
(Lost and we can't find our way)
But still we are here to stay.
No, we won't change who we are!

-----"Lost" by Against the Wall.

Video. Go listen.


So, it's officially summer. Today was my very last day as a sophomore in high school, and now I've hit that weird limbo of summer where sometimes you call yourself the grade you were, and sometimes the grade you will be, but most often you don't want to think about grades and school at all.

I think everything that has happened in the last few weeks is finally truly hitting me; all the bad, yeah, but mostly the good. God, how good it's been. I've had Beloved over to my house and nothing's gone wrong; emotions were shared but we all pulled our own weight. There was a hell of a lot of laughter and swimming and fireworks of sparking light and melting raspberry ice cream shared on the curb.

I made up with Manashi last week. I think that was the final straw, the greatest of all good omens for this summer, which somehow already feels bloated with things so infinite and touching that I can't picture them. Not the smiles and laughs and hugs and sadness as the seniors graduated, but the fist-sized clay turtle given as a birthday gift, and the sound of broken ties reknitting. It's all hitting me like the drops of rain drizzling outside, and I'm smiling and crying all at once; this great weight I didn't know I'd been carrying has lifted.

It was his birthday last Thursday, and I spent three or four hours making a turtle out of white clay and painting it in shimmering tones of aqua, silver, and navy nail polish--the sparkliest, turtley-est, Manashi-est thing I could find. The Blink 182 lyrics (his favorite band, always and ever) were carved around the rim of the shell, and the inscription made in color-coordinated Sharpie on the bottom. "You're already a voice inside my head / I Miss You. // Kame o kashite kudasai. Happy 16th, ani. 6.4.2009" The Japanese says, "Let me borrow your turtle," something we said in Japanese last year, all the time. A simple line with no obvious meaning that spoke more than any English phrase I could ever write.

The more I think of it, the more I wonder why the hell I was so worried that he'd turn me away with insults and cold glares full of old grudges. He took the turtle and my apologies without anger, he told me it didn't matter, and he hugged me. For the first time since this fall, certainly, and maybe the first time since last June really meaning it, Manashi hugged me. And in that second he was my ani again, my Older Brother, he was the Nashi that made me paper wristbands when I couldn't find anything else , the one who played Enya double-speed on the piano in the recesses of the dismal junior high, the one who chased me through the mud at the river-bottoms laughing, and then helped me wash it all off. And today it was final, it was sure. We made promises for the summer, and as we exclaimed over the passing years, I think we both simultaneously rejoiced that we had made it through and lamented over the year so lost to us with each other. And we embraced around all of that, through all of that. And I can see that maybe, just maybe, he was missing a piece without me, too.

God, I missed him. I missed him like I've never missed anybody in my life, and I didn't really feel it until I didn't have to miss him anymore. Like not noticing a hole until it's refilled. I'd never realized how often he came into my thoughts just to be shoved away, leaving the ghost of a song or the fading hues of a memory. Now... now there's this overflowing happiness that I can't explain, because we were meant to be like this, connected in ties like family, but stronger. Because somehow he is a missing piece of me, and I knew it, I've always known it.

And my God, I have Kai and Sayuri walking with me wherever this path leads; the two most wonderful girls that have ever existed in this world. The ones who will literally walk with me three miles home from school, splitting a Chipotle chicken burrito and a gallon of Minute Maid Berry Punch. The ones who will clean my room and record me stupidly sweet songs in the hour when I'm gone for something else and leave them home. The ones who rejoice with me over the Beloved's triumphs and lament with me when they fall. And I admit sometimes I forget, sometimes I think that what we have is the normal teenage friendship, but then I look at them and I wonder how I could ever truly be jealous, or angry, or live without them, ever, when all we are is three parts to a bigger whole? Not only the Beloved, but the rest of the web we call our world, our life. We are all part of this, and at the same time we are so much more than this, because there is something here beyond the high school friendships, ties to make and break and change. This is bugger, this is better, this is more.

This is the purest feeling of love and peace and contentment I have ever known. Right now, in this moment, I don't care what else happens. This is all I need, and all I ever have--my Beloved ones, connected, to me, through me. Completing me.


☼Estrella Morona Chai
Current Location: Mom's
Current Mood: calmcomplete
Current Music: Against the Wall//song:Lost
☼Strella ♥♫
25 May 2009 @ 12:38 am
I'm currently in Missouri. It's true. We have family down here, so my dad and I took the six and a half hour drive yesterday. Asher was supposed to come too, but he got sick with whatever I had and couldn't come.

I'm thinking too much. (Of course. It's after midnight and I have the laptop to myself. Pappy [my uncle] and my dad are at the casino and my aunt is asleep). I'm thinking about missing those three days of school and how much of a mistake it was, because now I don't want to go back. Fuck the Beloved (and the horses they rode in on).

I’m thinking about prom, and how everyone said they wished I could have been there, and I said I wished I could have been there too, and how I’m most likely not going next year either. I don’t have the money to go just because, and I won’t get asked.

I’m thinking about the two girls I’m kind of falling for and how I know I have no chance with them, even if they were single. Even if I was pretty. Even if they weren’t quite as amazing as they are. Because there’s me, and then two floors up, at least, you have the Beloved. You have all the beautiful people. And then there’s me.

I’m thinking of Monday Drive and their EP in need of a title and how I’ve never thought of anything so inspired as all the title ideas I’ve read (especially Sayuri’s).

I’m thinking about prom again, and dresses, and then I remember that my hair’s no longer pretty—scratch that, has never BEEN pretty— and I will never be the tall beautiful person I imagined myself being when I was young. I was idiotic. I’m thinking about homecoming and how I said I’d go in a suit and how I lied, because if I can’t look pretty in something that at least tried to make me into a decent girl, how can I look remotely okay in anything else? I’d go in jeans if I could. Screw that.

I’m thinking about home and how the pool opened this weekend and Ri and Sayuri need to come swimming. But then I’m also thinking maybe I’ll never set foot in the damned pool because to swim, you need a bathing suit, and I never want to wear one of those again until I weigh within five pounds of 100 (in either direction).

I’m thinking of how we leave tomorrow and I don’t want to go.

I don’t know.
Current Location: Missouri
Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
Current Music: Slumdog Millionaire Soundtrack
☼Strella ♥♫
22 May 2009 @ 02:44 pm

Yes, I am feeling better. My voice sucks, but other than that I don't feel sick. I just wanted to thank you all for all the well-wishes I've gotten in the past few days.

No, I did not have swine flu, but everyone seemed to think I did xD It was just a cold/flu thing. So that's why I used the pig.

I love you all ♥
Current Location: Mom's
Current Music: Black Eyed Peas//song:Boom Boom Pow
☼Strella ♥♫
21 May 2009 @ 11:54 am
So, I've been sick since 5 o'clock yesterday morning when I woke up shivering despite the 80-degree temperature. The school says I can't come back unless I've been fever-free for 24 hours, and since I still have a slight fever now, that means I'll be gone tomorrow. Missing three days of school is not fun D: Oh well, maybe I can be productive and make up all my missing work in my classes now.

My brother's last day of school is technically today. >_< He's at the small Catholic school my mom teaches at this year because his grades and behavior sucked so much last year. The school is closing, though, because there's not enough money in the archdiocese to keep it open, so their year's ending early. So unfair.

I finally hung out with Bri last Sunday, after a year of saying we should. It was fun, we spent some time down at Nine Mile Creek and then came back to her house and made a cake for her mom's birthday.

My AIM is currently malfunctioning and that's annoying me, even though no one's online. It is a school day after all.

I'm watching All My Children, the soap opera my mom's been watching since high school and I've been watching since I was born. Unfortunately I haven't watched it since spring break (the middle of April) and now I have no idea what's going on xD It seems complicated. And one of my favorite characters is apparently dead D: Sad.

This entry is turning into a giant rant-thing because I'm still sick and my head is kind of swimmy. o_o

I'm uploading all my Flyleaf to sendspace for Hally and Sayuri. You'll both be getting an email with the download link in it.

I despise being sick. Blaurg.

I'm probably going to make a how-to video for the little origami wishing stars, because Hally keeps saying she wants to know how to make them. I just need to figure out how to set up my camera so you can see my hands from the right angle.

I'll probably be uploading some photography to dA later today.

Kairi, I think I'm using up all your star paper xD I'll have to buy some--either for myself or to replace yours.

Sneezing, coughing, fever... and my elusive brownie week, all at once. Isn't there some rule against that?

I want to see the movie UP now just because of the talking dog ^_^

Flyleaf upload: 32%. Hey, my temperature is normal again. I wonder if it will spike again later.

For some reason I can't pinch the stars right today.

I think I should end this entry before it gets too uber long... Kay then. Yep.

Current Location: Mom's
Current Mood: sicksick
Current Music: TV//show:AMC
☼Strella ♥♫
15 May 2009 @ 10:23 pm
My spaz of a diet is a stupid, stupid idea.
[I have to tone it down if I want to keep my sanity]
It stuck me in a hole and Nekochan had to come over and help me out
[What would have happened if my mom and Asher weren't gone until 9 last night?]
She came over after I yelled at her computer-self and we walked away from my house.
[She wanted ice cream]
When we came back she made my clutter disappear from my head and from my floor.
[My room is halfway to immaculate and my mom is very glad.]
We ate Ramen for dinner and she left before it was dark
[My mother never even knew she was here]
All my crying yesterdaygave me a headache that left this evening and took all its crap with it
[I felt better tonight than I have in a long time]
I can taste the summer on my tongue
[and the memory of a gallon of juice shared between friends.]


Current Location: Mom's
☼Strella ♥♫
09 May 2009 @ 02:05 pm
Everything's kind of a mess right now. I don't mean to be an exploding ball of blackness, I just need to rant, and doing that vocally just means I'll end up crying. So here we are.

I've been kind of a mess for the past couple of weeks because of lots of different things, but mostly because of tension at home and tension in the Beloved. I overloaded last week, and ended up having a kind of melt down after school one day. Tsuki, Neko, Jew, and Koinu all sat with me in the front of the counselor's office while I shattered. My counselor, Ms. E, came out and saw me. She had me make an appointment with her. Now I've talked to her two or three times, just kind of ranted. She told me at first she wouldn't have to tell my mother, that it could mostly be between her and my teachers until it was imperative that my mother knew.

Then I broke over last weekend. I stayed up late on Friday night to help Imooto-chan figure out how precisely to tell her boyfriend she needed to go on a break without revealing the fact that she had a crush on his best friend. I talked another friend out of taking up cutting as a coping method (at least for a while). I talked to Kairi and managed to pretend I was almost perfectly fine.

Then last Saturday I went to my great Aunt Ora's funeral. I slept during the three hour drive there, because we had gone "recently," last summer; it had been her hundredth birthday in June. We got to the church a little late and I didn't have to see the open coffin. That was good. My mom and I were driving in the car with two of the three remaining sister; Ora and my grandmother came from a family of thirteen children. It was my first funeral.

We came home and I packed at super speed for my father's house. I broke down at one in the morning talking to Tsuki on the computer. She told Neko, and they went in to talk to Ms E without my consent this week. I had made the mistake of, while trying to explain to Tsuki how I felt, saying that I wanted to die. It's not what I meant. Now Ms E has to call my mother and tell her we've been talking. The last time I had a shrink my mother pulled me out of therapy because Margaret agreed more with me than with my mother. So does Ms. E.

On Thursday was when I talked to Ms E and found out she had to call my mom. I didn't like it, but by the time I got home that day I thought I'd be able to broach the subject and give her a heads up. Her car was in the garage when I got home at 4. She doesn't get off work till 4.30 and has a half-hour drive home. I went upstairs, and found out that she had fallen on her way into work that morning and broken her left foot and right wrist. Then at dinner, I found out that my uncle Moose lost his job. Moose bought our house for us and is still paying the mortgage on his own, he bought us our car, our fridge, our furnace. He's the only one in my family working, other than my father. Now he has no job.

My grades suck for school and I haven't been able to pull them up because everything going on takes away my will for anything. I stood staring at the Beloved on Thursday wracked with pain, wondering how I'd ever missed the fact that we're segregated, separated, fragile and fake. I saw the thousands of broken promises and hurting things instead of the hundreds of good ones. I listened to the blasphemy behind loved ones' backs. I heard the rumors and the venom dripping from sugar-coated lips. We aren't real. We're only pretending. No one cares for anyone else until it suits them. No one thinks we're anything. We call our selves Beloved in name only, because we don't know the meaning of the words "dearly loved."

I'm stuck with my mother until Monday morning. It's Mother's Day this weekend. She's not happy. She's going to yell at me about grades. It's not going to be good enough to be happy here, or even comfortable or sane here, but it won't be bad enough to leave. I was planning on going to Imooto's house when things blew up, but it's one circumstance away from exploding. I can't go to my father's because of Mother's Day. I get to leave for a few hours tonight to be with him, but after that, I'm on my own.

I'm stuck in limbo and I have nothing to do and nowhere to go to fix it.

I no longer see a point to life, or death. Yesterday was infinite, but it's all fake, isn't it? It ends as soon as you stop laughing. It ends when you stop talking and the rest of the world falls asleep. It breaks when you remember that you're lying to yourself. It doesn't even hurt that much. Hurt is fake too. Love is, right? Everyone swears I LOVE YOU FOREVER and then lies and cheats and hurts and stabs and abuses and betrays. Nothing founded on love lasts long enough. Grudges last longer than most relationships, don't they? There is no good in this. There is no point to life. No amount of superficial beauty and false infinity will change that. Everything is a shell, and it's slipping away, and we all scream in joy, because that's all we know how to do. This is all pointless and empty.

And it always has been, hasn't it?
Current Location: Mom's
Current Mood: blankblank
Current Music: Fair to Midland//album:Fables from a Mayfly
☼Strella ♥♫
06 May 2009 @ 09:26 pm
reply to this and i'll give you ten reasons why i love you! repost this with the reasons i give you. :)

Hally (faithfulfaerie) loves me because:

1. you are such an inspiration.
That shocks me :O Thank you!

2. you've helped me so much in the past months (ish) that i've known you.
I try to. it's what I'm here for.

3. you are so talented in your writing.
But I'm not as good as you :D

4. you take amazing photos.
Also not as good as yours, and you know it.

5. your faith in God is so inspirational to me.
But your faith is the reason I still have any!

6. you are a beautiful soul.
So are you.

7. you've been one of the keys to unlocking my heart, soul, confidence.
I don;t know what to sya to this. I'm so very glad :D

8. you understand me. and that's huge.
Right back at you girly ^_^

9. you introduced me to ri.
Where would we be without her?

10. and i just love you.
I love you too <3
Current Location: Mom's
Current Mood: awakeawake